Hiraeth

Survive

I’m tired of pretending to be someone I’m not.

I’m known as the spoilt one in my friend circle. They like me that way. TBH I’ve never gotten close to a friend since forever. I honestly don’t want history to repeat itself. I know, firsthand, how it feels when a person you confided your deepest secrets spills them into the world, not giving a damn about your privacy. And that incident has made me suspicious of anyone who comes close to the real me.

I feel depressed, desperate. I feel exposed when I tell someone a pinch about my real personality.

Burying my head in books and drowning in music hasn’t helped me like I thought would. Guess what, I haven’t been able to drown this melancholic feeling in any way.

I’m in one of those moods where I want to kill somebody for apparently no reason.

I’m tired. The kind when I’m in dire need of peace, not sleep.

I’m exhausted.

I just wanna lie down and sleep for eternity.

Apparently, sleep doesn’t help when it’s your soul that’s tired.

Not giving a fuck for school, grades, or anything. That’s what I want.

I want a break.

I want a moment for myself.

Just me and the sound of wind chimesat my window giving me company.

I wanna go back to Manali and reside there in nature’s lap.

I wanna spend the rest of my life living, not just surviving.

Those 8 days in Manali made me feel like I was in some ecstasy, like everything was right, like I had no worries in my life.

Now, it feels like I’m carrying this burden around. . you know.

Now, I understand the real meaning of Hiraeth. This is what it feels like on the deepest level.

I wanna live my life as a participant, not as a spectator.

I want to be loved. I want a guy’s arms around me, to hold me when I’m feeling like this, to tell me that it’s gonna turn out okay in the end. That I’m gonna survive through this dark night and a rising sun is waiting for me on the horizon. I just wanna believe that the horizon is full of hopes and even though it feels like I’m surrounded by this never-ending fog, it’s gonna end soon. 

I want him to tell me that he is here to hold me. I want a guy to come close and I want to confide my secrets with the right guy. And I to meet this guy soon.

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5 thoughts on “Hiraeth

  1. Why a guy’s arms? Are you so weak that you need a male to support yourself? I am not being all feminist it’s just that there will be times when everyone​ feels lonely and hurt for terrible reason but sweetheart remember you are a phoenix and they rise from the ashes.
    Don’t be someone’s cigarettes which they use when bored, be the drugs for which they die..
    With this I bid my adieu.
    Yours,
    Enigma

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      1. That’s what I am trying to say why find a comfort in a guy’s arms. Even I get tired to survive everyday and like you said I don’t need sleep I need comfort but then its really difficult to find a true friend these days and a good guy is way more elusive to find. Sometimes we need to survive our own battles by OURSELVES. Anyways that’s my point of view.
        Enigma

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      1. Yeah now that’s true a support system! But anybody can be your support system. A guy friend, a friend, your parents, sister or whatsoever. And sweetheart I would just say we share a different point of view. Lastly, you don’t know me, you only know what I allow you to know. SO DON’T THINK I DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS.
        Signing off on good terms 😃
        Enigma

        Like

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