I’m tired of pretending to be someone I’m not.
I’m known as the spoilt one in my friend circle. They like me that way. TBH I’ve never gotten close to a friend since forever. I honestly don’t want history to repeat itself. I know, firsthand, how it feels when a person you confided your deepest secrets spills them into the world, not giving a damn about your privacy. And that incident has made me suspicious of anyone who comes close to the real me.
I feel depressed, desperate. I feel exposed when I tell someone a pinch about my real personality.
Burying my head in books and drowning in music hasn’t helped me like I thought would. Guess what, I haven’t been able to drown this melancholic feeling in any way.
I’m in one of those moods where I want to kill somebody for apparently no reason.
I’m tired. The kind when I’m in dire need of peace, not sleep.
I just wanna lie down and sleep for eternity.
Apparently, sleep doesn’t help when it’s your soul that’s tired.
Not giving a fuck for school, grades, or anything. That’s what I want.
I want a break.
I want a moment for myself.
Just me and the sound of wind chimesat my window giving me company.
I wanna go back to Manali and reside there in nature’s lap.
I wanna spend the rest of my life living, not just surviving.
Those 8 days in Manali made me feel like I was in some ecstasy, like everything was right, like I had no worries in my life.
Now, it feels like I’m carrying this burden around. . you know.
Now, I understand the real meaning of Hiraeth. This is what it feels like on the deepest level.
I wanna live my life as a participant, not as a spectator.
I want to be loved. I want a guy’s arms around me, to hold me when I’m feeling like this, to tell me that it’s gonna turn out okay in the end. That I’m gonna survive through this dark night and a rising sun is waiting for me on the horizon. I just wanna believe that the horizon is full of hopes and even though it feels like I’m surrounded by this never-ending fog, it’s gonna end soon.
I want him to tell me that he is here to hold me. I want a guy to come close and I want to confide my secrets with the right guy. And I to meet this guy soon.