C for Childhood

Sitting on my window sill,

Listening to the wind chime’s sweet harmony,

Gazing out into the horizon,

I’m haunted by my midnight melancholy,

Looking up at the blanket of stars,

I wonder when did I grow up?

How did time pass so quickly?

When did I leave my childhood behind?

Seems as if I can no longer catch up with my long-lost innocence.

I realize that I have driven far past the stage where school was on top of my worries list;

School has been replaced by a mask of other worries,

That takes pride in possessing my thoughts.

Drowning myself in my 3 AM thoughts it hits me,

That the rain will no longer mean the same to me.

Earlier, rain used to be a medium of joy;

Now it is just a veil for my tears.

Now all I can do is sigh with exasperation.

And regret what I missed out on,

Seems as if that shooting star is not capable of bringing back my childhood.

I just wish it could.

I just . . wish.

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D for Diary? Sounds good?

 

 

B for Boys 

So I decided to let some bits of my personal life out there

First of all,  I have a non-existent love life. For the sake of God , I have absolutely no admirers(at least none I know of). And from my side?

Let’s just say, that feelings from my side have fucked me up. In the worst way possible.

Let’s just talk about my crushes. my first one was just a close friend, which wasn’t even a crush.

After that, owing to my mood swings I had frequent crushes on ANY good looking guys I laid my eyes on.  Even if it was just a guy in the same grocery shop as mine at that time.

After that, I developed a crush on a fellow classmate and I just FANTASIZED about him the whole year. And guess what,  in the spur of the moment, I decided to confess my feelings to him. And I did.

Let’s just say that things weren’t the same afterwards. First of all, rumours went around the school that I was dating him. So we stopped talking. It doesn’t stop at that. Afterwards he asked for my help because he wanted to propose to my friend. And yup I did(like the fool I am). And since then things aren’t awkward between us but we talk regularly and he knows some of my darkest secrets.

And now I arrive at the present.

At the present I have a hopeless crush on a guy who is FOUR YEARS OLDER than me.  FOUR YEARS OLDER. I mean, I call him bhaiya and I’m fantasizing about dating him.  And the fact that he is INCREDIBLY CUTE doesn’t help in me getting over him.

I’m literally drooling over him. And above that, we are FRIENDS. That doesn’t help me when I’m trying to maintain distance from him. And guess what?  A mutual friend of mine and that guy found out about my feelings for him. And I just hope that he doesn’t let it slip from his mouth or else. . I’ll want to bury myself in a hole and just lie there for the rest of eternity.

That’s it. I’m really sorry if I bored you with this talk. But I’m not over.

And now I’ll talk about my choices in men.

I’ve learnt that book lovers have impossibly high hopes of what they want in a partner.

Same applies for me.

I need a cutie, hottie, and a guy who can be sarcastic at the right time,  amd comforting at the right time.

And I have low hopes of meeting such guys.

But I just hope that I do find someone who loves me and whom I love back immensely. A guy who’ll make me realize what love is.

Until then. . .

C for Childhood? ? 

A for Alive

Alive has a new-found meaning for me

Earlier it used to be bounded within the category of surviving.

Gradually, with hindsight, I realized it’s more than just living. It is . . . . .living. It’s not just existing, it is living as if it your last day, as if you have no worry in the world. As if. . . zindagi n milegi dobara.

Now, I feel. . . kind of. . . lonely. Not just that. I feel. . .tired. And no, it doesn’t stop at that. I feel. . depressed. Everyone I know(mostly), is like “You are so funny”,”You are never serious”,”Always fooling around”. But the thing is they don’t know the real me. They don’t know that I have an identity ‘hiraeth’. Hell! They won’t even know the real meaning of hiraeth. But this feeling I have has helped me realize the meaning of alive. Being Alive is that feeling for me when I just. . . no longer feel lost.

When my thoughts cease.

When everything ceases.

When I just let my life beyond the boundaries of survival.

And now I promise myself to forever live while alive.

You can do nothing about the length of your life. But you can change its depth.

 

I’m waiting for more suggestions.

Ahoy! Come aboard!! 

Alright, so I have decided to post 26 posts. One for each letter of the alphabet. So I’d appreciate some prompts bit am np expert in writing on ANY topic. So plss cooperate and be patient. I’ll try my best to be of your interest and be regular.  I’ll start in a few days. 

A Book

I believe that we are all like books. Having the power to a capture a wanderer in the enchanting trap of our own words. Painting our lives. Spilling ourselves on these pages. I just turn out to be a closed one. Reluctant to spill myself. My soul is like a book that hasn’t been proofread. I have my own flaws and imperfections. Maybe a guy will come along and realuse I’m perfect without any editing. My soul has been spilt along the pages of my book and I’m afraid that I am just not interesting enough to capture the thoughts of a guy. I hope I’m wrong and that I’m good enough. I just hope.

P. S. I’m sorry but this post is just what I feel about nowadays. It might not be what you expect out of me but I think someone who feels the same way would understand what I mean on a deeper level.

Just need an Escape

Window

They say that when God closes a door, he opens another. Well, it feels like until now I was in a room full of windows, too small for my size. Like those Windows were not for me to escape but to sustain me. Those windows just gave me enough to survive. Not to live. And now it feels like the wind is shutting them in and I’m not strong enough to fight against them. Like my hands are not enough to fight against the blow and I’m losing a battle. Deep inside I do know that this time will pass. There will come a time when the storm will subside leaving a mess behind to be cleaned up. But today, I have to focus on fighting. On getting through this. Tomorrow, I’ll focus on an escape. On how to squeeze through those small windows.

I love that moment. When you’re on a long drive or doing something and you zone out. You forget your problems. Everything.

I suffer from drapetomania. I don’t know who I am anymore or whether I fit in anymore. I am lost. I feel like an outlier.

I just wanna smash through the walls around me and get out.

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I just need to get out.

Hiraeth

Survive

I’m tired of pretending to be someone I’m not.

I’m known as the spoilt one in my friend circle. They like me that way. TBH I’ve never gotten close to a friend since forever. I honestly don’t want history to repeat itself. I know, firsthand, how it feels when a person you confided your deepest secrets spills them into the world, not giving a damn about your privacy. And that incident has made me suspicious of anyone who comes close to the real me.

I feel depressed, desperate. I feel exposed when I tell someone a pinch about my real personality.

Burying my head in books and drowning in music hasn’t helped me like I thought would. Guess what, I haven’t been able to drown this melancholic feeling in any way.

I’m in one of those moods where I want to kill somebody for apparently no reason.

I’m tired. The kind when I’m in dire need of peace, not sleep.

I’m exhausted.

I just wanna lie down and sleep for eternity.

Apparently, sleep doesn’t help when it’s your soul that’s tired.

Not giving a fuck for school, grades, or anything. That’s what I want.

I want a break.

I want a moment for myself.

Just me and the sound of wind chimesat my window giving me company.

I wanna go back to Manali and reside there in nature’s lap.

I wanna spend the rest of my life living, not just surviving.

Those 8 days in Manali made me feel like I was in some ecstasy, like everything was right, like I had no worries in my life.

Now, it feels like I’m carrying this burden around. . you know.

Now, I understand the real meaning of Hiraeth. This is what it feels like on the deepest level.

I wanna live my life as a participant, not as a spectator.

I want to be loved. I want a guy’s arms around me, to hold me when I’m feeling like this, to tell me that it’s gonna turn out okay in the end. That I’m gonna survive through this dark night and a rising sun is waiting for me on the horizon. I just wanna believe that the horizon is full of hopes and even though it feels like I’m surrounded by this never-ending fog, it’s gonna end soon. 

I want him to tell me that he is here to hold me. I want a guy to come close and I want to confide my secrets with the right guy. And I to meet this guy soon.